Winner Takes All or Nothing to Lose
by playboydojo
Summary: The Master of Games abducted Starfire, Terra and Raven at the end of Season 2's Winner Takes All. Silliness ensues.
1. Chapter 1

Thursday, October 27

Continuity sucks. If something doesn't quite match up with what happened in the animated show, my answer is "That never happened," okay? Okay. Further, although I'm reading the transcripts now, I'm still unable to watch the show in it's animated glory, so my fics diverge from sometime after Season 2(except this one, which obviously occurs immediately after "Winner Takes All"), okay? Okay. Now, feel free to tell me what sucks, and I'll try to correct it.

Disclaimer: No claim to Teen Titans or anything related to it. I wrote the story, but I really don't have claim over that either. At least lemme know when you pilfer it, okay? Okay.

* * *

The Master of Games scanned the chamber around him--now all eight warriors had returned and were ready for battle. Robin had cheated him of his prizes. Robin tricked him. Robin had beaten him. 

"I lose," The Master admitted. He fled the scene in a display of light and smoke, leaving his pendant to fall down to the stone floor. Without the defeated heroes to give him power, the necklace was ineffective--and anyway, who needs it? It was over. There was no way to beat Robin, and no other power worthy of...

Oh, wait...That was not quite true was it?

Later in the day, the Master of Games returned to find his chalice abandoned upon the floor. The idiot heroes simply left it to be retrieved by the awesome Master of Games! He would start anew, and pick fighters he could defeat this time! He would invite...girls!

Winner Takes All or Nothing to Lose.

Part 1: Getting Settled In

The necklace glowed warmly once more, and another blast of energy radiated from it, as the Master activated it to abduct his new challengers. The bewildered teens emerged from the haze.

"Welcome champions, all!" The Master of Games announced with undue pomp. The jewel materialized around his neck. This was going to be too easy. And then, maybe with this new power he could take back what Robin hoodwinked him of! "You are hereby invited to compete in the tournament of Heroines!"

Starfire looked around nervously. "Raven?"

"Yeah?"

"I have a bad feeling about this." Starfire cautioned.

"The Tournament of Heroines," the rejuvenated Master went on in manic fashion. "A friendly competition between the world's greatest young champions."

He pointed the girls out as he named them, his voice still booming like a carnival announcer: "Starfire: the soulful teen queen with the strength of a legion. Raven: the dark shadow of black magic and telekinesis. Terra--"

"I rock!" Terra interrupted him, and then laughed. "Sorry, I just love saying that, and your intros were kinda corny anyway."

The Master of Games glared down at her, flummoxed, "Do you mind?"

"Sorry."

He hesitated. The girls eyed him patiently. A few moments of silence passed.

"Well?" Terra finally asked.

"You interrupted me." The great announcer grumbled. "Now I'm ill at ease. You've broking up my--"

Raven rolled her eyes, "Um, listen: I'm not interested in any tournament. We have some missing teammates to find."

"Beast Boy, Cyborg and Robin were just here!" the Master snapped. "They had a wonderful time, and there were lots of prizes."

"Prizes?" That got Terra's attention.

"We're not interested." Raven repeated.

Crap. Bringing that damn Raven was a mistake. She was never interested in anything. "Well, Missus Deputy Downer, you're going to miss out on all the uh..." --what did girls like?

"'Missus Deputy Downer?' You wit is staggering. Like fart jokes." Raven mused.

"...The cake...and um..." Maybe he should have thought this out first. He just naturally assumed they'd duke it out. Who doesn't like prizes?

"Cake?" Starfire bubbled. "Wonderful! There shall be cake!"

"Please let it be 'Death by Fudge.'" Terra prayed aloud.

"Yes!" The Master roared. "There shall be lots of death and fudge for all!"

Raven wrinkled her face up at the lunatic. "No. We can get junk food at home."

"But...er...what about staying in a modern castle furnished with the finest amenities?"

Raven was bored with this. "We have a modern castle furnished with the finest amenities."

"You got a hot tub?" Terra asked, totally ignoring Raven.

"Yes," Starfire agreed. "We do not have the hot tub."

Hot tubs? Is that what it took to get girls in his castle? "The finest. An open-air hot spring."

"Yo!" Terra nudged Raven, ignoring the annoyed look she got in response. "Why not? The boys did it. Fudge! Hot tub!"

"And a masseuse!" The Master added, seeing a trend. " An entire spa! Multiple-course meals prepared by a team of the greatest chefs in the dimension! An army of handsome servants at your leisure, a staggering library, suites of the finest luxury, and...er...coffee in the morning--"

"Hey!" Jinx yelled. "Are you ever going to get to introducing me?"

"Er...um...Jinx, the...ah...I'm sorry, Terra interrupted and--"

Jinx stomped and growled. Oh yes, that's it, the Master thought. Get angry, and crush these Titans so I can take their powers, then I can defeat Robin! Mwa ha ha--

His thoughts were overturned by the din of Starfire and Terra trying to convince Raven to invest time in this 'Tournament of Heroines'.

"Raven," Starfire insisted. "There shall be cake!"

"And Fudge!" Terra added.

Raven grinned. Her eyes gave off a greedy luster. A hint of a blush tinted her pale cheeks. She brought her hands up and touched her pointer fingertips together in fidgety fashion. "A masseuse, you say?"

"I want to hear more about the prizes!" Jinx insisted.

"Magnificent prizes! And of course, the winner shall prove that she is the greatest young heroine--"

"Villain!" Jinx corrected. Why couldn't he get a word in edgewise around these girls?

"--And/or villain on Earth! However, any who do not whish to compete," And with that he risked a nervous glance at Raven. But no, she appeared set on a massage. "Need only say the word and I shall return you home at once."

"We're in," Raven confirmed immediately. Starfire and Terra smiled, nodding.

"You got cable?" Jinx asked.

"This is a modern castle furnished--" the Host began.

"I'm asking 'cause I can't go without Cartoon Network. There's this JLA cartoon--"

"There are many channels on the television." The Master assured her. By "many," he meant "eight." He would have to find out how much Comcast would rob him to keep Jinx happy for one freaking day!

"Okay, I'm in," she agreed.

"The challenge is accepted," the Games announcer went on in his Big Top manner. "The Tournament begins! Prepare for competition!"

"Wait, what, now?" Terra asked. "But we just got here!"

"You don't abduct a bunch of girls and expect them to just duke it out," Raven added. "We're not wild apes."

Terra nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I kinda wanna get settled in first. Kick back. Unpack."

"You did not bring anything to unpack!" the Master countered, snarling in frustration. What was wrong with these girls? Didn't they want to see who was the best? What did it take to convince them to smack each other around?

"Whose fault is that?" Raven pointed out.

"Yeah," Jinx added. "And watch the attitude."

"Jerk." Terra finished.

"Sorry." The man pleaded. "It's been a long day. And I just--"

"Oh, tell me about it!" Terra interjected. The Master of Games would come to learn that "tell me about it" meant "listen to me tell you about it." At the moment he was about to tell them how Robin had cheated, but Terra just kept going. " This morning, Beast Boy was crowing at something like five a.m.! He's cute and all--"

"What?" Raven wondered.

"--But he can be so annoying!"

"Indeed," Raven agreed.

Terra went on talking about her day, with various interpolations by the other girls. The Master nodded intermittently, wondering how the matches would turn out. With only four girls, there was no way he could be outmatched, should things turn sour. But the powers! Wow! These four would more than make up for the humiliation Robin had caused him. And then he could go and retrieve his other prizes! Imagine: to control earth, fire, and water! To posses objects through telekinesis, and using magic while becoming powerful animals, emitting blasts of sound and star bolts! And whatever power it was that allowed a little anorexic boy to kick over three tons of Cinderblock!

"I know! Raven's so lucky; I hate all this hair. I might just cut it." Terra went on.

"But your hair is so lovely Terra!" Starfire beamed.

"You just need to style it, is all." Jynx offered. "A special 'do, that's more original than the ol' 'bangs over one eye' routine."

Terra turned to Jynx, "I was thinking of braiding it. Have you seen 'Gone in Sixty Seconds'?"

"Uh, ladies," the host finally interjected. "What would it take to you to feel 'settled in'?"

"How about showing us to our rooms?" Raven offered.

* * *

Raven was unimpressed with her room(but damn, she was hard to please!), but Starfire, Terra, and Jynx were appreciative. Terra was most awed with the dimmer switches. The Master of Games grinned and preened, watching the ladies investigate the mini-fridges, jump on the beds, and try on the terrycloth bathrobes, while Starfire described everything as "significantly grand," or some other such thing. 

"Um...excuse me," A light tap on his arm corresponded with the quiet voice. It was Jinx. When he looked down, she bit her lip and glanced away. Her face was reddening. "Um...your bath isn't really--how do you say--equipped for women. You're going to need to pick up some things. I don't know about anyone else here, but at least I'm gonna need--"

The Games Organizer furrowed his brow while staring down at the little girl. Females and their demands! "Hold on," he grumbled. A yellow legal pad materialized into his hand. "I'll take a list: it's the toothpaste, right? Robin and Speedy were playing with the toothpaste."

Jynx looked down at her feet. "Nooooo." She growled in frustration. "I mean female stuff."

"...Oh"

"Yeah."

The Master of Games blinked. "What sort of antiperspirant do you prefer?"

"Secret!" Terra shouted, head still inside her mini-fridge.

"The Old Spice!" Starfire threw in from inside her own room.

"Whatever!" Raven added, walking down the hall to explore the library.

"Bath and Body Works. The melon one." Jynx finally answered. "But that's not what I meant. You know..."

While Jynx fidgeted and mumbled, Terra walked up to her host, a ten-dollar bill between two fingers, "Yo. Think you can run out and pick me up some tampons?"

"Oh, thank God," Jynx breathed.

"What!" Who in Sam Hell did these girls think he was? He did not buy...such things! He was the Master of Games! A mighty warrior! "No! I shall not!"

"Aw, c'mon! Don't be a wuss!" Terra punched him in the gut, playfully.

She was calling him a wuss! He, a fighter, a renowned combatant! King of the Arena! The girl had some nerve!

Starfire stuck her head out from her room, wearing her bathrobe upon her head like a turban, "Yes. I anticipate that soon I, too, shall require use of the sanitary napkins. Please purchase some for me as well?"

He sighed. He knew when he was beaten. He looked down at his list so far: cable hookup, cake(fudge), masseuse, army of handsome servants, team of chefs, toothpaste, Secret, Old Spice, Bath and Body(melon), tampons. He stared at that last one. Tampons. Freaking tampons. He'd have to buy them. Himself. In public. Oh how he hated how this day had gone so far. The powers had better be magnificent!

The Master of Games grit his teeth. "I am going now. I shall return with your requested provisions, and then Round one will commence."

* * *

Enslaving the servants and cooks was simple. Finding the masseuse wasn't too hard (he just raided the Mediterranean--they made excellent servants). The food, the deodorant, the toothpaste, easy, easy, easy. Getting cable was his first obstacle so far. 

"Um, yes. I'd like to sign up for you basic cable package."

The lady behind the desk totally ignored him. She was on the phone "with a customer," or so she claimed. "Yeah, I don't know what's up with Brad. He's been all Anti-social Asshole since last March. Omigod, you think Brad and Deanna broke up?"

"Um. Hello?" Was he invisible?

She shot him a nasty look, "One second sir," then turned back to the phone, "Oh some guy just walked in...No he can wait."

"Excuse me?"

"Do you not see me on the phone?" And she promptly ignored him. There was nothing to do but wait. So he waited. He sat down. He read Psychology Today. Twice. Some article about how fems were better than guys in just about every aspect. When did that happen? The Master of Games could remember a time not too long ago where he and his fellow warriors were going to dominate the Universe--what happened with that? Not like he cared whether or not chicks were in the kitchen, he just wanted to pillage something--but now anything remotely masculine was referred to as "lizard brain." What the hell? Why he should--

"I said, 'what do you want, sir?'" This lady had such an attitude. If I didn't need this cable, Wench, the Master thought to himself, I'd destroy you and parade your carcass through the streets, tied to the tails of rabid hellhounds!

"Basic cable package, please." He gave her the routine information; ignoring the look she gave him when he listed his address as "Hell Dimension of the Arena of Games." Then he ignored the fact that she was doing far too much typing to account for. What was she really typing? Was she giving him the premium channels? Working on her book? Did she not know how to spell "Arena?" Or was she instant messaging the same wench she just got off the phone with?

He could see a reflection of the screen in a picture frame hung up behind the clerk. Turns out it was that last one. Talking to "HonE1999."

"Um, is there a way I could have somebody come by today?" Heaven forbid Jynx miss her Cartoon Network.

"Yes, somebody will be by between eight and five." It was already six. He pointed that out.

"Well, our guy was there, but there was no answer."

"B-but that's impossible! I was home the whole time!"

"I don't know what to tell you sir. Stay by the door tomorrow between the hours of eight and five."

"All day? I have things to do lady!"

"I'm sorry, I can't help you with that."

He started walking away in a fit, but, "Wait just a damn minute: I just ordered the cable today!"

"Yes."

"You're playing me!"

"Yes."

Saucy wench! After having verified that the cable was paid for (The Master of Games was quite selective regarding which crimes he committed), he abducted a cable guy. Screw propriety--he was lizard brained till he died.

* * *

So all that was left was...that. Yes. It was horrible. There was an entire aisle full of them in the nearby Short's Drug Store. He couldn't think, he was dizzy and his throat was dry and itchy. He ran to the nearest cashier for help. 

"Um...excuse me," he tapped on the little woman's shoulder. "I am in need of your service."

The lady in the garish red Short's Drug Store vest cocked an eyebrow at his immaculate loincloth. Like she was any judge of attire! "Yeah. How can I help you?" She sounded like she already suspected him a pervert. The nerve!

"I must purchase some...female products."

"Oh pads?" She practically shouted. The hell was wrong with her? The Games Master glanced around to be sure nobody was listening. "You will lower your voice, Service Woman. And I'm not acquiring them for myself."

"Yeah, no kidding." She observed. "Aisle five."

He nodded. "Yes, I know. The problem is...well, I'm unsure as to which I'm supposed to obtain."

The Service Woman (her nametag said "Tammy." Who the hell names their brood "Tammy?")? exhaled loudly like he was getting on her nerves. If she only knew about his day. But if he even began to tell her about it, she'd only say "oh, tell me about it," and proceed to go on about how her boyfriend--

"What, exactly, are you having trouble with sir?"

"Which variety do you think young ladies would find preferable?"

"Kotex?" Tammy shrugged, not giving a damn.

"But...are youth into the ones with wings? What--what size would be most appropriate for a female of about these dimensions?" He gauged with his left hand about high tall Starfire was, and then used both hands to describe her width (plus--she would argue--about thirty pounds). He continued his questions. "And regarding...regarding the intensity of--oh God, strike me--flow. Do young ladies start out 'heavy' and get lighter as they get older, or...um...is it proportional to weight or something?"

And on his question went. For once today, a female didn't interrupt him. How he wished she would shut him up and just give him the embarrassing answers. Instead, she let him talk. And the more he did, the more embarrassed he got. The more embarrassed he got, the more he found he couldn't shut up.

"Just how many should I purchase? Does one last the entire peri--time, or is it like once an hour, or something? Do you throw them in the washer and reuse them? Are there designer brands that are popular these days? What exactly is this douche thing for? Do girls need that?" On, and on and on.

Finally she just said, "Just by as many of as many different kinds as you can." Oh. Okay. Why not? Comcast had already raped his plunder trove($60 per month for the next half-year!). He filled two shopping carts with all manner of the brightly color packages, trying desperately to ignore the stares from other shoppers. He didn't want the prizes. It wasn't worth this. He just wanted to murder Robin for forcing the almighty Master of Games into such degradation.

After ignoring Tammy's look at checkout, he swiped his card. "Will that be all?" she had the nerve to ask.

Why not? He was already humiliated as all hell. "Also, a copy of 'Jugs'..."

* * *

Finally, he ended up on the couch checking out his new cable hookup (one hundred-plus channels--including "Jewelry TV," because you can't go to a store and friggin' window shop anymore). The girls were all enjoying the cooking of the Europeans frou-frous. 

Click.

Click.

Click.

"Um, excuse me." Starfire this time. The Master's jaws ground together fiercely. He swore--if she was about to bring up some inane female problem--

"My favorite program, 'World of Fungus' is coming on."

Click.

Click.

Click.

"I was wondering if I could watch?"

"I'm watching TV," he explained.

"But, you are just clicking," Star mused.

"No I'm not. I'm just watching everything at once."

Star looking disbelieving and perplexed. "But if that were true, you would know what was on the channel thirty-nine that you just changed from so rapidly."

"'Married With Children.' Pilot episode. Last time I past that channel, they were at the part where Al and Peg meet their new neighbors, Steve and Marcy for the first time. Al's not too happy about missing the Bulls game for something so pointless."

"Wow." Star beamed, too impressed. "That is some extraordinary ability you have. The channel seven?"

"'X-Men.' It's toward the end of the Dark Phoenix Saga. The X-Men are facing off with the alien Lilandra's elite guards to decide the fate of the Phoenix-gone-mad."

"The channel twenty?"

He had almost forgot what was on that one (What? He didn't keep a TV guide in his head dammit!), so he had to speed up his clicking to get a glimpse of the program. "'Total Request Live'. They're shooting in Cancun. Number Nine was some song about rear ends. So was Number Six. And Four."

Starfire was thoroughly amazed. "Your ability to click and see the programs is the most awe-inspiring power I have witnessed in my lifetime."

The Master preened. Imagine! She regarded him hitting the "channel up" button on the remote rapidly a special ability! He didn't have to abduct someone for that power, that was for sure--it was all him! "'World of Fungus,' eh?"

"Yes."

"Let's check it out, I guess..."

* * *

The fungus show wasn't bad. There was no killing or swearing, which was disappointing, but fungus was far more interesting than the Master of Games had previously given it credit for. After the fungus thing, Jynx got to see her Justice League program, and the Master suggested Round One commence. 

"Raven versus Terra!" he shouted dramatically. "Jynx versus--"

"Um, what are you doing?" Raven asked, irritated.

"Announcing the first round of matches. You have settled in, you have enjoyed your TV and the cake. Now it is time to do battle."

Various looks of disgust from the girls. "Can you believe this guy?" Jynx asked, hooking a thumb in his direction.

"What? What did I do?"

Terra rolled her eyes. "Guy, it's getting pretty dang late for all that. Besides, we just got here. We haven't tried the hot tub. We're still checking out the place."

"You do not have any phones." Starfire pointed out. "I should contact Robin and the others, so they do not worry."

"And a fight isn't really a good way to end the day," Raven pointed out. "Why can't we take it easy the rest of the night?"

Oh balls. Whatever. No point in arguing was there? "Do what you like; I don't care. But the battles commence first thing in the morning!"

The Master of Games took his issue of "Jugs," (rolled up so the girls couldn't see what was in his hand)and went to bed.

To be continued...


	2. Now Please Leave

Monday, October 31

Continuity sucks. If something doesn't quite match up with what happened in the animated show, my answer is "That never happened," okay? Okay. Further, although I'm reading the transcripts now, I'm still unable to watch the show in it's animated glory, so my fics diverge from sometime after Season 2(except this one, which obviously occurs immediately after "Winner Takes All"), okay? Okay. Now, feel free to tell me what sucks, and I'll try to correct it.

Disclaimer: No claim to Teen Titans or anything related to it. I wrote the story, but I really don't have claim over that either. At least lemme know when you pilfer it, okay? Okay.

Winner Takes All or Nothing to Lose.

Part 2: Now Please Leave

It was about two in the morning when the Master of Games was in his private kitchen going over his monthly routine of paying his bills and balancing his checkbook. Yeah. That never worked like it was supposed to. He had been meaning to look into that "online banking" thing. It looked so easy. Did he just take the cable connection from his TV and plug it into his computer? He'd have to figure it out--without Comcast's help preferably. Devil knows they'd stick him with a new charge (there was an "abduction of cable person" fee?) just to ream his--

Terra walked in stretching, and started, surprised to see him. "Crap, guy, you scared me."

"What are you doing in my private kitchen?"

She ignored him and went to the fridge to pull out a pint of the ice cream known as "cookie dough." After the three-hour fudge binge yesterday, she had sworn off the stuff. Of course, swearing off sugar would've been better for her, but it was just indisputable proof that women didn't know what was good for them...

...Holy crap! "Psychology Today" was correct! He WAS a misogynist!

...Oh well.

"What are you doing up, Heroine?" He asked here while she considered pouring hot fudge(Ha!) onto her overfull bowl of ice cream.

"We were watching 'Adult Swim,'" the teen explained.

"Ah, you should've informed me. I enjoy watching the programs."

"Yeah?" she dug into her ice cream half-heartedly.

"My favorite is still the Pam and Tommy Lee one."

Terra made a half-laugh/half-snort sound, spraying the fudge through her nose. "You're funny."

"And you are most disgusting," he responded, eyeing his expensive (stolen) table critically.

She laughed again, wiping up the fudge with a napkin and smearing it into his mahogany table. The blonde fidgeted with her spoon some more, not really interested in the ice cream. "My friends, they don't like Slade."

What did this have to do with adult programming? "Slade is a powerful man."

"Tell me about it!"

Oh no she didn't. He knew what that meant. He waited and she ran her mouth as expected. Something about a secret. Something else about Slade going to help the Titans through Terra. Stupid lass.

"But if they can't be turn around on Slade--" She went on. Heavens, would this girl go on forever? If she ever started a story with "So I was freakin' wasted, right?" he'd listen. Until then, shut up, runt.

"Your allies should realize that power is all, else they are foolish allies," he finally interrupted her.

"Exactly!" Terra nodded, so sure he was actually listening to her. "Slade helped me! He can do so much for Raven!"

"If ever there be a choice, power must come first. The weak cannot but destroy their own associates, even in assistance."

"So if they don't agree with me about Slade...?"

"Convince them the hard way, child. Your people call it the 'tough love,' which is an utterly foolish sentiment..." he went on and on about something. Terra, having already gotten what she wanted from the conversation went back to her ice cream. Jeez! This guy talked like a Viking! "Power," this; "Challenge," that; "Bothersome Wench," something or other. If he ever started a story with "So I was freakin' wasted, right?" she was there. Until then, enjoy talking to yourself.

"...And in defeat, a lesson is learned. People shall respect your display of skill and power and become your comrade..." And he could go on! Terra smiled and pretended to listen. He didn't seem to notice she didn't respond, like, ever. Did he just not care? And she suspected he barely listened to a word she said. Men.

"Allies dislike displays of weakness! Surely you know something of the nature, what with your previous--"

"Wow, thanks. I feel much better. Night-night!" The little girl said all in a rush, eager to go to bed. Well. That went quite splendid. He advised the chit in her silly problems and she listened, rapt, for once. Why, he could do that all day.

In comparison, trying to figure out why the number he had come up with was five hundred more than his actual balance was quite dull.

* * *

At noon the girls woke up. Raven was the first, rising somewhat early (eleven-forty) with a mission in mind. She knew where the masseuse was kept. She was just too nervous (and oddly giddy) to do anything about it yet. She paused in front of the door to the spa. The pale Goth couldn't keep the silly grin off her face.

"Jeez, Raven. Get a hold ofyourselfomigod!" She was just too excited! She finally opened the door...

The room was steamy for no reason. He was over six feet tall and broad, with a full mane of dark tresses framing his head, powerful neck and shoulders. Oh, and he was bare-chested. And shiny. So, so shiny. He slowly turned to face Raven with smoldering brown eyes. "My Lady, you've caught me at an inopportune moment. I was just oiling myself--"

At that point his pecs flex impressively. Oh god, he was one of those big dumb beefy types--and right now Raven had no problem with that!

"--Reading D.H. Lawrence--"

Oh: Raven was in love!

"--And nearly weeping at the plight of man's subjugation to the machine of commerce."

She would swoon!

Eventually, all the girls did wake up, and Raven just wouldn't shut up about her massage by Raul. Of course, they all pretended not to here their host's suggestion that the Tournament commence, and decided to play a game of spades while the team of cooks prepared a little something called "Cake for Breakfast."

"And then he recited 'The Tempest' while working out all this tension I didn't know I had. Eh, this is crap. What do you have Star?" Raven finally bid.

"I got five strong, maybe six." Terra told her partner, Jynx, while stuffing a fudge brownie into her mouth.

Starfire looked confused. "I think I should double down; I do not have any of the spades."

Raven shrugged. "Nil, then. Don't feel bad I don't...hold up." She cast an accusatory glance at Jynx. "You're cheating!"

"Oh, like that's such a surprise!" the villain shot back.

"At cards?" Raven went on. "You have to cheat at cards?"

Jynx pointed a finger at Terra, "She helped me!"

Uh-oh. Damage control. "Let's not get bogged down in the details here..." Terra tried to appease her teammates, brownie falling out of her mouth while she spoke. "I didn't see the harm--"

Starfire was on the verge of tears, "Terra, you have defrauded our confidence in your 'Leet Skills' of the card-playing expertise."

"Yes!" The Master of Games bellowed. "Allow this mere rift of competition to sow the ill seeds of dissent among you! Grind your petty alliances to dust under the crushing weight of rivalry and opposition! Destroy each other and grant me your extraordinary capabilities, so that I may defeat Robin and regain the outrageous powers of the shape-shifting, the flame, and the Boo-yah--"

His teen charges, naturally, took this time to look at him strangely.

"Um...what the heck?" Raven finally offered.

"This man is sooo bi-ZARRE!" Jynx added.

"Yeah, what's with you always wanting to fight, guy?" Terra asked.

Starfire was quite lost as to what was going on (everyone was, but she didn't know that) so the alien decided to comment on something she was sure of, "The Master of the Ceremony is quite hairy."

"Oh man!" Terra concurred. "He's like Chewbacca!"

"He looks like my dad," Jynx noted disgustedly.

"Gross!" Raven commented.

The Master of Games stood there, hands on hips pretending not to hear their discourteous remarks. He didn't care what they said. Who were they? Nothing to him. Just some children--some girls. Some girls who were too afraid to just fight already. They were--

"Do you get, like, a winter coat too?" Terra giggled.

"Impertinent Harpies!" He yelled back. He gave a mighty roar that shook the walls and rattle his estate from its very foundation. The fabric of the Hell Dimension of the Arena of Games trembled in the wake of such testimony of his might and rage. Four little girls, however, were so not impressed.

"Now you're throwing a temper-tantrum?" Raven rolled her eyes. "What a baby."

They went back to their game of spades.

Discouraged and disheartened, the Master of Games (would there ever actually BE another Game?) decided he needed a break. He was up early paying bills and hadn't slept since--you try sleeping after discovering Comcast had slipped you a "trans-dimensional connection" fee, a "TV Guide Channel" fee, a "we effing hate you" fee, a "It doesn't matter that you don't watch the Lifetime channel, 'cuz we're gonna charge you for it anyway" fee, and a "no-fees waiver" fee. Turns out if he didn't sign the no-fees waiver, they wouldn't have hit him with all those fees. They wouldn't have hooked up his cable, either, but still...

Ultimately, he decided to just take a shower and go back to bed. The girls weren't going to fight today--they were too intent on getting on his nerves and mooching as much as they could. He should have just accepted that Robin may have cheated his way to victory, but he won and that was that. Yes: Robin was a cheater, but it was not the Master's job to put the brat in his place, perhaps. Sour grapes and all that. Besides, any kid that still walked around in clown-colored, ball-hugging tights didn't deserve the Masters attention anyways. Forget Robin.

There was toothpaste all over his private bathroom. Great. His bath smelled like a breath mint. Just another lovely benefit to having a house of brats. There was spittle in his mirror for who-knows-what reason, a wet towel dripping onto the floor next to Raven's even wetter cloak (hand-washed, he presumed), and somebody's underwear was balled up and tossed into the corner.

Oh well. He didn't care anymore...

Oh. Hell. No.

Hell no! What WAS that! Was it from...? Or...?

THIS WAS UNACCEPTABLE!

He stomped his way back to the area where the little she-tyrants were playing their stupid card game. They would pay: via desecration of their pathetic carcasses!

"And what in Hades' unnatural torment is THIS?" He yelled, the large clump of hair dripping wetly onto his shag carpeting. That couldn't be normal! Did it fall out like this every day? How did men manage to go bald first?

Unless...was it not from their heads!

"Ew, get that outta my face, guy." Terra complained.

"It's just hair. Throw it away." Raven pointed out.

"I cannot take this! You were invited here to do battle! Instead you lay about eating, bleeding and shedding like a pack of wounded cocker spaniels!"

"That was a gross image." Raven commented, rolling her eyes at the theatrics.

"You will do battle! You will battle because I say! Because I am bigger than you, I am smarter than you, and--will you look at these pecs?--I am cuter than you!" The Master raged on.

"Okay, okay. Jeez, what an jerkface!" Terra complained.

There. See? That's all it took. Women want you to tell them what to do--otherwise they're lost. You just get into their face and start hollering, they'll appreciate you taking charge of a situa--

"So...where are they?" Starfire asked.

"Where are who?" The Master shot back.

"Our audience." Jynx explained.

"There is none."

"Then, who's entertainment are we fighting for?" Terra wondered.

"It's for the spirit of competition. And my own entertainment, I supposed."

"Ew," Raven commented. "You mean to tell me you abducted four young ladies to slap each other around for your own entertainment, in a secluded place inhabited by no one but you and a bunch of Euro-menservants?" The four teens took several steps back while exchanging cautious looks.

Oh how he hated these girls. "I'll be back with your audience."

* * *

He returned minutes later with a fourth-grade class. "I'm am told they are on recess for the next fifteen minutes only. We must be expedient in battle."

Raven cocked an eyebrow, "What is this 'we' stuff? And how did you get these kids?"

"I offered them candy."

The four teens took several steps back while exchanging cautious looks.

"FIGHT DAMMIT!" He demanded.

"Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh!" the children all said in unison.

"You said the 'damn' word," one of them explained.

"Whatever, let's just do this and get our prizes," Terra suggested.

The four fighters were transported to the Arena. Finally! The dance of death had once again been initiated! The Master took his place in the Grand Throne while fourth-graders drew on his walls. One of them threw up in the corner. Thank goodness he enslaved servants!

But now he was focused on the impending battle. This was gonna be good! "Round One shall be--"

"I'm gonna paint your nails." A little girl decided, trying to color him with a red crayon.

Whatever. "That is fine. Round One--"

"Where are your pants? Why are you wearing a skirt?" On little boy (none of these children have names) asked.

Cursed interruptions! "This is not a skirt," The Moderator of All Challenges explained. "This is a loin cloth. Pants restrict movement in battle, and are quite unfashionable."

The brat seemed to mull this over then, having agreed, took off his own pants. "You're right." With that he ran off to go play tag or something.

So what. "Round One--"

"Joey doesn't have any pants one!" one little girl whispered in his ear. Also, only one of the children has a name.

"I don't care. Round--"

"Terrance hit me!"

"Rachel hit me first!" Okay, only three of the children have names.

"Round One shall be the First and Final Round!" he finally got to announce, screaming at the top of his lungs. "It shall be a fatal four way between...

"...Raven...

"...Terra...

"...Starfire...

"...And Jynx!"

"Why was I mentioned last?" Jynx grumbled.

"It shall be no-holds barred!" The Master went on, determined to ignore all distractions.

"It's 'cuz I'm a villain, ain't it?" Jynx went on.

"There shall be only one victor! Let nothing get in the way of your goal of vanquishing your rivals! Stop at nothing to win! Allow the bloodlust to awaken your--"

"Okay, Rule One: no hitting in the face," Terra suggested, pointed at her cute little nose.

...What the hell now?

"Yes," Starfire agreed. "And Gn'racking of the Hair is totally forbidden!"

They were making rules? Did he not just say "no-holds-barred?" "Stop at nothing?" What did they think such phrases meant?

"And no attacking a downed person." Raven added. "Give them three feet of space, and let them get up."

No kicking a hapless loser while they were down? That was his favorite part!

Jynx had a rule of her own. "And no doubling up on somebody. Strictly one-on-one or not at all!"

"Okay," Terra decided. "Oh: and safe word's 'pistachio!'"

* * *

The fight was okay, he guessed. Actually, it was pretty good, despite the stupid rules. Raven getting into a clash with Terra had been quite the show until the morphing terrain became a field of empty space with platforms Terra seemed to have no control over. The girl saw how that situation would play itself out and surrendered immediately. Jynx quit all too easily, having been stuck in the gut once by Starfire (although she claimed it was the same as getting hit by a car--wimp!). Starfire had nearly beaten Raven when Star simply gave up. Girls!

But no matter, The Master of Games had absorbed the vanquished, and now he was ready to get back at that bony little boy with no pupils!

"Well done, Champion of Champions." He told Raven who was looking around for the others. "Victory is yours."

"Where is everybo--oh, there they are." She waved her hand and the jewel and his neck glowed once more. The fallen contestants materialized right before him! This was nucking futs!

"You--you're still at full fighting capacity!" the Master marveled. "All of you are!"

Raven shrugged, unimpressed. "Why would we waste ourselves trying to beat each other up? What prize is worth a bruise? Or getting sweaty?"

"A pony!" a little girl said.

"I did say there would be prizes, young champion. I did not say they were for...wait a minute!" he realized. "I did not win prizes either!"

Starfire, who was over playing with the children, ran over to him. "I drew you something!" she announced, handing him a large piece of construction paper with...something on it.

"This is you performing the ancient Tameranian ritual of acting furious to impress your guests with your powerful displays of emotion." It was more like a box with stick limbs and an angry face. "And this is Jynx cheating at cards. Here is Raven and Raul getting married--"

"What?" Raven wondered.

Starfire went on, "--having lots of babies..."

"What!" the Goth yelped.

"This is Terra beating Jynx with her 'Leet Skills' of the card-playing. See how she is covered in the fudge?"

"Yes, I see that." The Master noted.

"I have to go to the bathroom!" some brat said.

"And this is me working on my Clicking of the Channels!"

"Why this...is...most magnificent!" He had never gotten such a gift before. Look at that! Those were the little children tearing his Great Hall apart! And look what was in his hand! Was he mistaken or was that not supposed to be the wretched Hair From the Drain? Most extraordinary! Of course, he could not defeat the insufferable Robin with it, but the way that kid insisted on having Starfire drop him from the sky in every other fight, he was going to end up a stain on the pavement any day now...

"I shall hold this booty in the highest esteem." He announced. "It is the greatest treasure--Comcast shall not have it."

"That's...nice and all." Jynx said, not entirely meaning it. "But are there consolation prizes for getting my ass kicked?"

"Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh!" the children all said in unison.

In the vault there wasn't much in the way of prizes. He hadn't done pillaging in a long time. "Um...how's this" He used the gem to materialize a moped before the teens."

"A moped?" Jynx wondered. What a bizarre award? Who gave out mopeds? She was expecting a ten-dollar gift card!

"Somebody asked for it, didn't they?"

"No, it's cool." The villain assured. "I like it, just was kinda expecting a gift basket or something."

"Um...for Terra..." The erstwhile Vanquisher of Fallen Warriors took off his chalice. He didn't need it any more. His attempt at power was a total failure. This thing was useless as far as he was concerned, but he heard somewhere that the addled minds of females were attracted to shiny objects. He tossed her the necklace. "A reminder of our discussion, chit. The price of strength is indeed great, but the rewards, I'm sure, will be greater."

Terra nodded. She would simply have to kicked Titan ass until they could see the Truth Slade spoke. That's what this Game Guy meant, right? "Yeah, I'll be sure to do that."

"Starfire...wait!" He ran out of the Great Hall and returned minutes later with...

"Oh!" Starfire beamed. "Mildew!"

"It is a mold," the ex-Conqueror of Beaten Fighters explained. "And no doubt you'll find much of it in the walls, should you so search--"

Star promptly shoved her fist into the nearest wall, and pulled out a fistful of some bluish-gray mass. "Indeed, you are correct!"

Eh, what did he care! He had servants to fix things, now! "I can only hope it shall be as interesting as the study of fungus. And now--"

"I'm hungry!" a brat shouted.

"Where are we?" some child finally wondered.

"--If you do not mind getting the hell out and taking these cursed children with you!" he finished. "Oh, but please leave the slaves--er...servants."

The End.

* * *

Epilogue

Some time later, the former Master of Competition was met with an entirely new experience: thank-you cards.

He had never heard of such a thing. Imagine! Women would waste their time sending notes instead of merely showing your appreciation by not complaining. Or saying, "thanks" if you felt it was necessary--no, not enough for a woman: she has to send a note!

The first to arrive was from Starfire and Raven, by magic. Raven's careful calligraphy script was quite impressive and her writing was leagues more eloquent and flowery than her biting witticisms in speech. Who knew Raven could say nice things? Certainly not he! Yet here she was quoting poetry for him!

Starfire's note was less about expressing gratitude and more about rambling. Apparently she had told the entire story to the Titans and couldn't understand why their two accounts of the Tournaments didn't quite match. Also Beast Boy was irate about getting cheated out of a scooter or something. Then again, Beast Boy was also an idiot.

Jinx's had arrived last, also by magic. She was back in school, and doing fine, and apparently falling for some muscle head named "Stone." If that cretin dared break Jynx's heart, the old Master of Games would tear him to pieces and distribute the portions of his worthless corpse to all corners of the galaxy as warning!

Terra's note came by way of--and along with--the powerful jewel he had given her. She was returning it, the note said. She was beginning to suspect that Slade was a sham and the strength she was seeking could not be found in such a character.

What the hell was she talking about?

Comcast also sent a note. The check he had written had bounced and for that they were charging him extra. Damn. Well, now that Terra had given the jewel back, perhaps he could go invade France or something.

Perhaps Terra had a point though. His own quest for the magnificent powers lead him far astray, had it not? Maybe life's pleasures were to be found elsewhere? He would think about that.

But first: invade France.

A single, still quite manly, tear fell from his cheek onto Terra's hopeful note, just above the carelessly scrawled "Thanks Guy!" at the bottom of the card. Those girls. Perhaps he should invite them back sometime.

Until then, he would excel in the only true power he would ever possess.

Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click...

FINN.

* * *

Epilogue part 2

Beast Boy stretched and swung his legs out of bed. Groaning, he pulled himself up and staggered to the bathroom to begin his daily routine. He opened the door. The room was steamy for no reason...

Raul turned to face him, "Beast Boy, you've caught me at an inopportune moment. I was just oiling myself--"

"AH GOD!" BB shouted, slamming the door.

Game Over.

* * *

A/N: Well, I'm glad somebody liked it. My personal favorite line was "There shall be lots of death and fudge for all," but I guess that snipe at Robin being unstoppable was okay too. I've got other ideas to toy around with, but 


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